i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
