Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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