im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Blood and glitter go together right?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
