This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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