I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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