You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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