I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
