I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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