We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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