I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
