My Higher Power is John Stamos
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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