i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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