That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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