Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
