you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
