i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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