A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize