I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
