My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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