Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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