Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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