I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
