she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
