Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize