oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
