Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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