You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
