All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am available for nakedness
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
