My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
