Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
