Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
