I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
