my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
dude i'm inner monologue high
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
