Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
