I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
so much tequila, so little girl.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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