I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
