my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
