Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
