I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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