I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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