glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
