Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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