Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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