i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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