The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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