Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You are the jesus of drinking
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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