drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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