Michael Bay diarrhea
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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