what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
