everyone is single if you try hard enough
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
