I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
