i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
