he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
