dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
