I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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