The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
