Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
