My room smells like vodka and shame
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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