We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize