Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
