Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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