So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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